Highways on Fire: 16 Hours to Nashville

We arrived safely in Nashville, TN exactly 16 hours after leaving hearth and home. There was a bit of a hold up in West Virginia due to a significant stretch of I-81 being closed off for reasons unknown. By "bit of a hold up", I mean 4.5 hours of sitting in traffic that was reduced to a dead crawl. See my posted videos for some rough documentary of the ordeal.

Parts 1 and 3 will be posted, Part 2 is reserved for friends only as it contains some questionable content. Don't worry, you aren't missing out on much.


West Virginia is now officially my least favorite state in the country. It was neck and neck with New Jersey for awhile, but I have now spent far too many minutes of my life in that wretched land and will avoid ever setting foot there again with the same diligence I apply to not getting herpes. At least New Jersey has something to look at (the girls).

Traffic must be some sort of purgatory that the Gods put us through once in awhile, just to get our attention. All we do is rush rush rush around all day. And then we're rushing to some destination, and BOOM some tractor trailer tries to pull off a triple sau cow and doesn't quite stick the landing. Now that freeway you were supposed to be tearing up at 80 miles per hour is closed for maintenance, and you and the million other poor fuckers who were going exactly where you were are stuck on the macadam, with nothing to do but sit and wait.

At first, I passed the time by conversing with my sister, increasing my risk for lung cancer, and walking around outside my car pretending in my head that this was the start of the Zomb0colypse. I would've teamed up with the other guy who was standing outside of his car, he knew what was up.

As time went on, however, my sister grew more agitated and my ADD began to take hold. Naturally, I threw up some 3OH!3 and started a dance party in my car. While Erika didn't smile that much, the old guy in the SUV next to me thought it was great. Dancing in your car during a traffic jam is a great civil service, I feel. It serves to alleviate the tension. Either the people around you enjoy your dancing, or they think to themselves "who is that dancing fool?" and laugh anyway, mostly because they feel better about themselves. Either way, people smile. This helps to cut down on the Stationary Highway Shooting. This is an elusive cousin of the Drive-By Shooting, only without the quick get away.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what 16 hours in a car does to you. Moving along...

We crossed into the Central Timezone around 12:30 AM EST. Woo. Hoo.

The driving responsibilities were equally divided, with Erika sitting behind the wheel for 3 hours, and me driving the rest of the way. I'm sure there is a union for this sort of thing, and I want to join it for the sweet picket sign benefits.

Upon arriving at the hotel, the first thing I noticed was a tour bus parked outside of the hotel adjacent to the Best Western we are staying at. It was sponsored entirely by Gibson, surely this must be a good omen. It was like God's rainbow after the flood... I'd like to think that it was a sign from the Powers that Be saying "sorry about the traffic thing, we won't do it again." If only the dove turns out to be a '67 Les Paul...

Anywho, it's bloody late (early?) and time to upload pictures and videos, then call it a night. Please refer to my photo and video posts for a treasure of visual delights.

For great justice,

- Rev.

Tune in tomorrow for our Adventures in Nashville.